Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Chapter 7 - Love is a Battlefield
Artwork by amonir1981
Deadpool POV
Okay readers, listen up! The author is AFK (Away From Keyboard for those non-gamers) and I’m taking over! Right now I am your Dungeon Master! Think of it like those old “Choose Your Own Adventure” books they used to have, except I choose everything for you, yeah? Let’s fucking doing this!
Your POV…with Deadpool Influence
You are sitting at your computer surfing away on the internet. Click. Click. Click. Click. Once you finish viewing the animal porn site that you “accidentally” came across, you decide to see what new videos are floating around YouTube. You hover over the search bar, wriggling your fingers in thought before you decide on looking up videos about, “Proper Hygiene”, because you’re just feeling downright dirty after some of the videos you just saw from that site you “accidentally” came across. As you scroll past loser after loser being all-serious and describing proper hand washing techniques, you stumble across a video of a dude in a red and black suit. Once you get over the fact that this dude’s ass looks absolutely fan-fucking-tastic in red, you decide to click on the video. The following is what you view:
A man dressed in a red/black suit and mask stands with his back turned singing into a back scrub brush to the song: “Love is a Battlefield”. As the camera draws closer, he jumps as if the viewer has startled him. He stands clad in his suit standing in the shower, including a shower cap, as he idly squeezes the rubber ducky in his hand with an audible SQUEEK.
“Oh! Hi there. I’m your friendly neighborhood Deadpool here to tell YOU…how to wash your stank *BEEP* properly. Wait I can’t even say *BEEP*? Mother*BEEP*er.”
Deadpool turns on the water as it cascades across his suit.
“First…you want to make sure your niiice and wet.” He says as he starts to rub his hands all over his body. The camera cuts to various close up shots as he caresses his chest, his stomach, his rear as 70s porn music plays in the background.
“Next…you want to get a REAL good lather going. Nobody likes raw dog!”
He grips the bar of soap in his hands as it suddenly slips from his grasp and lands on the shower floor with a thud. His form quickly drops down and out of frame from the camera before standing back up again.
“Also…as a golden rule, don’t EVER drop the soap…”
The camera cuts to a zoomed in shot of Deadpool’s face as one eye goes wider than the other does.
“Or do…who knows…you might enjoy it.”
He continues to lather up his…suit with the soap, making sure to pay extra attention to his underarms and groin.
“Experts might tell you to lather for 30 seconds to make sure your nice and de-germified but I am here to tell you, who *BEEP*ing cares! Five seconds? A minute? *BEEP* you might even decide to rub one out suddenly when the soap gets to your meat and tackle. What happens to those 30 seconds then, huh?!”
He throws his arms out to either side as the soap again slips and launches from his grasp, his head glances down as the camera cuts then to a shot of Deadpool wiping himself down with a towel.
“Then you rinse…squeegee yourself with your hands…and pat yourself down with a towel!” Deadpool says as he runs the towel over his suit, taking a little extra time when he pulls the towel back and forth between his legs. He shivers before the camera cuts and ends with a close up shot of Deadpool.
“And there you have it! You are now officially squeaky clean, Deadpool style! If you don’t have a shower…there’s also a car wash. Just wait till someone pays, drives their car in, and run your naked self in quick and get out, before the driver even realizes what’s happening! Have a good day, and subscribe to Harley and I’s channel, Pooley!” Deadpool ends with his hands resting under his chin as a subscribe button pops up in the corner of the screen.
You are so enamored by Deadpool’s electrifying personality that you without doubt click on the button to describe to the channel. You then visit the Pooley Channel homepage and begin to survey the video selections. You see a make-up tutorial video hosted by a smoking hot, pale-skinned goddess and are intrigued so you click it. The following is what you view:
“Hi ya there boils and germs! Harley Quinn here!” Harley exclaims as she salutes the camera.
“We been gettin’ all kindsah comments askin’, ‘Harley, how do you DO yer make-up?’ So, here’s my usual regimen! To assist…we got ‘ol Poolboy here! He still continues to insist on wearin’ his mask, SO wer just gonna do it right over it!” Deadpool sits idly in a chair and waves at the camera.
“Now to start off…ya need pasty, pale, white as fresh bed sheets skin! Now my skin happens to be permanent, but fer those of ya that aren’t blessed with vampire skin…any runnah the mill clown make-up will do! Or ya can just jump into an acid bath like I did, and you too can share in the permanent pale as death skin yerselves!” Deadpool tilts his head up at Harley.
“Is THAT why your skin looks like that?” he questions as Harley laughs nervously at the camera.
“Oh Pool-a-rooney, yer such a kidder! O’ course that’s why, everyone knows that! Now shaddup and hold still!” Harley bellows as she smacks Deadpool’s masked face with a big powder brush, making a thick white sheen over his entire face.
“Next, yer gonna wanna find the PERFECT shades of blue and pink that were gonna use, one on each peeper!” Harley shows each of the eye shadow compacts to the camera one at a time and then the brush she’s going to use to apply it.
“I personally use a brand called Psycho Bitch, and the colors are…’Swimmin’ Wit Dah Fishies’, which is the blue, and ‘Luscious Clam’, which is the pink!” Harley turns to Deadpool and applies the blue to one eye and pink to the other, making sure to pokehim in the eye on the last bit of application. Deadpool jumps and does karate chopping motions in the air.
“Ouch! HEY!” Deadpool says as Harley shrugs and looks to the camera.
“Maybe if ya didn’t wear dat mask all dah time, I could see where yer eyeballs are!” Harley exclaims as Deadpool raises a hand to point at his eyes.
“They are where the WHITE of the mask is, ya know, the part that MOVES when I move my eyebrows? How is that not obvious?” Deadpool says as Harley continues her tutorial.
“Next, ya wanna make sure ya pick a SUPER dark purple smacker stick! I use Psycho Bitch’s Death Wine on my own smackers!” Harley turns to Deadpool and starts to apply the lipstick, but instead of putting it on the part where his mouth would be, she forms a wide smile across the entire front side of his mouth. Deadpool crosses his arms over his chest, clearly not amused.
“For the absolute FINAL touch-a-rama…ya, need to draw a pink diamond on yer left cheek. The one on yer face that is!” Harley leans in towards Deadpool, still sitting motionless with his arms folded across his chest and draws a pink diamond on his cheek.
“Viola! Now dun’t he look purdy?!” Harley bellows as she bends over to plant a kiss on Deadpool’s cheek. Deadpool’s arms suddenly uncross as he looks down to her cleavage and the video ends.
You realize that this YouTube channel is one of the best fucking channels you have EVER had the pleasure of wasting your life watching! You decide to watch some more! You see a separate Playlist area where the Pooley channel has done all those useless, hipster, viral challenges! You decide to watch them. All of them. The first video plays:
Harley is sitting in the middle of an alleyway on a single wooden chair as her hands rub together in her lap as if she is nervous. Suddenly, Deadpool’s form appears in frame as he drags a huge bucket across the ground until he is beside Harley in the chair.
“My name is Harley Quinn, and I’ve been challenged with the ice bucket challenge…so ‘ere goes, I’m takin’ the plunge!”
She bellows to the camera as Deadpool slowly lifts the bucket full of ice water up and over his head when suddenly, Harley grabs a mallet from behind her chair and slams it into Deadpool’s stomach. The contents of the bucket fall all over, not Harley, but Deadpool instead. Harley throws her head back in a fit of giggles as Deadpool gasps and stands frozen still, lookingto the camera like a wet dog until the next video starts to play:
Harley and Deadpool stand in a kitchen. Harley drums her fingers atop the counter as Deadpool waves at the camera.
“Hey viewers! Deadpool and Harley here…and we have decided to take on the cinnamon challenge, because, well, how difficult can it be really, am I right?” Deadpool looks over at Harley who nods once in agreement.
“Piece ‘a cake!” Harley exclaims, as they both raise spoons of cinnamon to the front of their faces. Deadpool peels back his mask and they both shove the spoons into their mouths. They work the cinnamon around in their mouths for a moment before Harley spits a fit of brown powder into the air and her hands begin flailing around. Deadpool pulls the mask down over his mouth again and suddenly makes a cough/choking sound as his fist slams into the countertop several times, his body starting to flail around.
“What the actual *BEEP*?!” Deadpool yells between fits of coughing and sputtering as his hands lift up to begin pulling off his mask as he runs out of frame and behind the camera, though you can still hear him gagging in the background.
“*BEEP*ing *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*in *BEEEEEEEEP*!” Deadpool bellows off camera as Harley meanwhile looks around in a panic as if she really has no idea what to do. She points at the camera frantically and then the video ends as the next one begins:
The camera slowly begins to pan until we see Harley standing perfectly still in a fancy pose, not moving a muscle. The camera continues to pan around her standing still when suddenly, she sneezes.
“Oh, way to go…mannequins don’t sneeze!” Deadpool says off camera and Harley looks at the camera with a pout.
“A bug flew up my nose, whatta ya want me to do, suck it up into my brain?”
Harley says as a ‘Take 2’ sign appears in frame and the camera begins to pan across a perfectly still Harley again. It goes on for longer this time until Harley slowly starts to work up into a fit of giggles and eventually a full on laugh. We can hear Deadpool sighing in the background.
“What now?!” Deadpool asks as Harley’s finger points downward.
“Ya got like the HUGEST chubby right now, Poolness.”
The camera slowly starts to pan down until we see a glimpse of red boots and then the camera quickly jostles around.
“Know what, my turn, let ME try this!” Deadpool says as the current video ends and the next one begins:
The camera pans to show a perfectly still Deadpool who poses like Michael Jackson with one hand grasping his crotch and the other shoots up into the air. As the camera continues to pan, it suddenly starts to zoom in on Deadpool idly rubbing his crotch as he grabs it.
“Hey! No crotch fondlin’! A mannequin would NOT fondle its non-existent crotchtal area!”
Harley bellows as Deadpool stands straight up, holding his arms out to either side.
“What the-, I was BARELY moving, come on! You know what *BEEP* this challenge, this one is SO stupid…OOO, look at me, I can stand perfectly still like a *BEEP*-ing mannequin, I mean seriously!”
Deadpool stammers as his form moves forward and fills the frame before the video ends.
You can’t contain your laughter from the consistent hilarity that is ensuing with each passing second that you watch these videos. Despite the fact that you haven’t eaten breakfast or lunch and you’ve had to take a piss for the past 2 hours, but got so wrapped up in YouTube you forgot to do ANY of that…you decide to watch ONE more video. The following video plays:
“Harley Quinn here, folks and for this video, I’m personally gonna show ya how to rob a place with STYLE!”
Harley bellows as she props her mallet on one of her shoulders. She motions to a building behind her with a glass front entrance that reads ‘Gotham Jewelers’.
“This here is a jewelry shop that has over two hundred and fifty THOUSAND dollars wortha loot in it! That’s the first step, DO yer research! Why rob a place if it only has a hundred bucks to its name, right Deadpool?”
Harley says as she looks up and slightly off from the camera.
“Hey! That Slurpee at 711 was COMPLETELY worth it!”
Deadpool exclaims from off camera. Harley puts a hand on her hip.
“SO, the first thing ya wanna do is check yer perimeter. Are there guards, are there cameras? Because if there ARE, ya flirt with the guards and make sure to blow a kiss for the cameras!”
Harley bellows with a smile and a tilt of her head as one hand plays with the ends of one of her pigtails.
“The next step is to simply choose a blunt object of your choice and-,”
Harley lifts the mallet up over her head and just as she starts swinging it towards one of the glass windows, a woman in a black cat suit, goggles, and knee high boots saunters out the front door. Harley drops the mallet as her eyes widen at the new star of the video.
“Catwoman?!” Harley says with surprise as Catwoman fingers the whip at her side and adjusts the bag on her shoulder.
“Harley? What the hell are you doing here and who-,”
Catwoman looks at the camera suddenly and starts walking towards it quickly until her body, which shows a front seat view of her enormous cleavage, fills the frame.
“Are you recording this?!” Catwoman bellows and then the video stops.
Shit! The author is back I guess I should hand over the reigns, had fun being in your head, readers!
Harley’s POV
“Yah, we were, uh, recordin’ stuff fer our YouTube channel!” I exclaimed as I stared on at Selina flippin’ Kyle. I hadn’t seen her in FOREVER! We had some good times back in the day!
{What?! How’d I miss this?}
“I don’t think I was psycho enough yet then, Bernie…we weren’t acquainted yet!” I answered as I looked over to Selina who moved the goggles to rest atop her head and rose an eyebrow at me.
“Who’s Bernie? And who the hell are you?” Selina asked as she looked from me and then to Deadpool. Deadpool tripped forward and saluted, then held out his hand.
“Deadpool’s the name and mercin’ is the game and my GOD do you have the most amazing rack I’ve ever seen,” Deadpool proclaimed as his head tilted down to look at Selina’s very large and somewhat exposed gazoongahs that pushed against the zipper of her suit. I furrowed my eyebrows; I actually didn’t like the way Deadpool was actin’ with her…not at ALL. I reached out a hand and smacked Deadpool on the back of the head, he jolted and looked over at me before cowerin’ away like a scolded puppy.
Selina just stared on at Deadpool for a moment and shook her head, ignoring him.
“You know what, I’m not even going to ask,” she proclaimed before turnin’ to look back at me.
“You know, you should meet my good pal Wolverine…you two have a lot in common. You with the whole…meow thing, he with the whole woof thing.”
Deadpool said as he crossed his arms and placed a finger on his chin as if in thought. Selina just rolled her eyes in disgust and didn’t say another word.
“What were ya doin’ here, Selina?” I asked, tiltin’ my head at her and gazin’ at the bag on her shoulder. I already knew why she was here…more than likely, she just robbed the place blind. DAMN was she good, no alarms or nothin’, and waltzed out the front door to boot! Just PURE class!
“Oh you know…mama had an itch that needed scratching. I find if I heist every other month or so, it keeps me off ‘ol Batboy’s radar. He’s even more of a buzzkill since he got together with Supersnatch,” Selina grimaced as she rolled her eyes. I frowned slightly, actually not having had a problem with the super girly one.
“The place is swept clean; Sweety…I wouldn’t even bother at this point,” Selina said, idly as she peered at her nails, flicking a bit of lint into the air.
“Naw, that’s okay there’s plenty o’ places to-,” I started to say before my words were cut off by a huge black van suddenly pulling up behind Selina. The door slid open and two men reached out and yanked Selina into the van before she even had a chance to realize what was happening and then the van peeled away. Deadpool and I both stood there frozen for a moment, blinkin’.
“What the FUCK just happened?!” Deadpool bellowed as I watched the van disappear into the distance.
“I think…Selina just got kidnapped!” I answered as I turned to see the bag she was carryin’ lyin’ all lonely like in the alley. I started to walk towards it.
“So, I mean, should we…you know, go after her? Rescue her…or something?” Deadpool stammered as I peered into the bag with all the loot that Selina stole; had to ‘ave been at least 30 grand wortha jewels!
“Nah, Selina can handle herself…besides, if we were to go rescue her, it’d be detrimental to the progression of the next story in the series!” I proclaimed as both Deadpool and I did the same action at the same time.
Wink.
“Whew…I was worried there for a second, thought I’d have to be all heroic and shit,” Deadpool said, pretendin’ to wipe sweat from his brow. I hoisted the bag on my shoulder and started to walk down the street. Deadpool suddenly stopped, eyeballin’ a metal placard on the nearby building.
“Well, that’s convenient,” Deadpool stated and I tilted my head at the placard.
“This…is where my goons for money hold their meetings,” Deadpool said and my face slowly formed into a grin.
“Time for our super cool, slow-mo infiltrating the compound moment, isn’t it?” I asked, adjusting the bag and mallet on my shoulders.
“Fuck yeah it is.”
